A friend asked me to write about my pain – from the beginning – because, he said, I know about pain. But how do you write about something that you’ve tried so hard not to feel and to hide all your life?
I never wanted pity. Actually, I was almost scared to be pitied. I wanted life to be right and good, but it wasn’t. There was pain. And I pushed it down, every day. I pretended it wasn’t there. I pushed harder. I stayed numb. I was nice to everyone, but kept them at a distance. If they got too close, they would see the pain in my eyes or the hurt in my soul. No one ever really knew me. They couldn’t know the pain inside.
God put people in my life, when the pain was unbearable, so that I could stand it. Those people showed me love and kindness and kept me grounded. But the pain was still there and I could not let it out. I knew that I had to keep it in or I would die.
As I grew older the pain became a constant, dull ache. It was easier to push away, though, because I had started a life of my own. I thought I was free. I had become a wife and mother and loved the family I had created. Oh, the joy of having children and watching them discover the world. I still get such a rush of joy from my children and know that they are gifts from God. But, with the gift of my children, also came a great fear and the return of the pain.
Fear, of the pain that I had endured being inflicted on my own children (by the same person who caused my pain), drove me to stop pushing some of my old pain down and let it out; tell the secret. That seemed to relieve some of the fear of the danger for my own children, but caused others pain. I felt more pain. I was rejected, denied, called a liar, threatened. More pain. The ache was back and the fear was lessened. Life could go on…………everyone was safe.
Then, someone I love was hurt. It’s my fault. I should have told. I didn’t because I was scared and wanted to be loved. I am such a terrible person. How could I have let him hurt her? What can I do now? I wish I had done something before; I don’t know what to do now. It’s too late.
Now the pain is about guilt and fear and shame and rejection………………..and love.
